The Trauma Connection Behind Feeling Both “Too Much” and “Not Enough”
Have you ever caught yourself in that familiar spiral—apologizing for taking up space one moment, then desperately trying to prove your worth the next? That painful oscillation between feeling overwhelmingly intense and hopelessly inadequate isn’t random. It’s often the echo of early wounds speaking through your present experience.
Many of us carry this contradiction within—simultaneously feeling like we’re both too much and not enough. Too emotional, too sensitive, too needy… yet never quite measuring up, never quite deserving, never quite worthy of the love and connection we crave.
This isn’t a personal failing. It can be a trauma response.
How Childhood Trauma Creates a Fractured Self-Perception
When children grow up with emotionally immature parents or in environments where love felt conditional, they learn quickly that their authentic selves are either “too much” to handle or “not enough” to be worthy of consistent care. This can occur when a parent has an addiction, is highly narcissistic, or has another mental illness. These early attachment wounds create a profound confusion about who we are and what we deserve.
Chronic criticism and invalidation in childhood can change the way the nervous system develops. In adulthood, a person can struggle to regulate their own emotions, constantly apologize for everything, and struggle to trust on a basic level. These are just a few of the ways childhood relational trauma affects the developing brain and nervous system.
“I spent decades trying to make myself smaller,” a client once shared with me. “I’d dim my light in relationships, apologize for my needs, and still feel like I was somehow overwhelming everyone around me. At the same time, I was exhausted trying to prove I deserved basic care and attention.”
This contradiction makes perfect sense when we understand its roots. When your emotional needs were met with dismissal (“You’re too sensitive”) or your achievements were never quite sufficient (“Why not an A+?”), your developing brain formed a painful conclusion: The problem must be me.
Trauma Healing: The Before and After Experience
Before Trauma Therapy Begins
Life feels like a constant battle with self-doubt and emotional overwhelm. You might switch between people-pleasing and shutting down entirely. Relationships feel unstable, and you never quite feel at home in your own skin. There’s a lingering sense that you must either perform or disappear.
During the Trauma Healing Process
Moments of true calm begin to emerge—not because you’ve “fixed yourself”, but because you’re learning to trust your own thoughts, feelings and inherent worth. You start to notice when you’re abandoning yourself to please others. You begin to find solid ground within rather than seeking constant external validation. You learn to trust your own thoughts, feelings and internal cues. You develop a stronger sense of yourself and belief in your appropriateness.
Real Client Story: From Trauma Response to Empowerment
When Alex first came to therapy, they were exhausted from carrying the weight of never feeling like they belonged anywhere. Outwardly successful but inwardly empty, Alex described feeling like “an impostor in my own life.”
“I was either trying too hard or disappearing completely,” they shared. “There was never a middle ground where I could just… be.”
Over time, Alex learned to recognize how their nervous system was still responding to childhood dynamics where they had to earn love through achievement while simultaneously hiding their emotional needs. They began to notice the physical sensations that accompanied these old beliefs—the tightness in their chest when they felt “too much” or the hollowness in their stomach when they felt “not enough.”
Slowly, Alex discovered what safety felt like in their body. They learned to listen to their needs without shame and express their feelings without fear of abandonment. Most importantly, they began to experience moments of simply being present without the constant internal narration of not being enough.
“The other day,” Alex told me in a session, “I realized I had gone hours without questioning whether I deserved to exist or not. That might sound small to some people, but for me, it was freedom.”
How Your Body Holds Trauma and Contradictory Self-Beliefs
When you grew up in an environment where your authentic expression was met with rejection, criticism, or neglect, your body learned that being yourself wasn’t safe. This created a painful double-bind:
Being authentic feels dangerous, but hiding yourself feels empty.
This is why so many trauma survivors describe feeling like they’re “performing” in their own lives—constantly monitoring themselves, hypervigilant to others’ reactions, never quite at home in their own skin.
Your body holds these contradictions: the simultaneous fear of abandonment (if you’re not enough) and engulfment (if you’re too much). This isn’t something you can simply think your way out of—it requires a deeper, embodied healing.
EMDR Therapy: Healing Trauma Through Embodied Awareness and Integration
Some things live in the body long after the mind has moved on. That’s where approaches like EMDR can be particularly helpful. EMDR doesn’t erase traumatic memories. It helps your brain and body re-process them using both hemispheres of the brain, and bodily awareness. It isn’t about erasing your past—it’s about giving your nervous system new ways to respond. It helps process those wordless, bodily-held memories that keep you stuck in cycles of feeling alternatively overwhelming or inadequate.
In our work together, you might notice:
- How certain situations trigger that familiar feeling of being “too much”
- The physical sensations that accompany beliefs about not being “enough”
- The specific ways your body tenses or collapses when these old wounds are touched
- How new experiences of acceptance can gradually create a felt sense of safety
This kind of healing isn’t about positive thinking or forcing yourself to “just be confident.” It’s about gently addressing the root causes with compassion and skilled support.
The Benefits of Trauma-Informed Therapy for Self-Worth Issues
I won’t just listen to your story—I will help you feel safe in the silence too. My approach is grounded in understanding how trauma lives in the body and how healing happens through connection, not just insight. Insight alone is necessary, but not sufficient. Growth and change happen with new insights, paired with new behaviors and new emotional experiences.
Many clients tell me they’ve tried therapy before but felt like something was missing. They understood their patterns intellectually but still felt stuck in them emotionally. What’s different about trauma-informed, attachment-focused therapy is that it honors the wisdom of your body and works with your nervous system, not just your thoughts.
“For the first time,” one client shared, “I don’t just feel like I’m being analyzed or fixed. It feels more like being witnessed as I find my way back to myself.”
Finding Your Inherent Worth Through Trauma Recovery
One client described their healing journey this way: “I used to think I was either overwhelming everyone or disappointing them. There was no middle ground. Now I can just… exist. I can have needs without feeling guilty and set boundaries without feeling cruel. I’m starting to believe I’m allowed to be here, exactly as I am.”
This is the heart of trauma recovery—not becoming a different person, but finally being able to inhabit yourself fully, without apology or performance. It means learning to live more authentically.
Your worth was never actually in question. The environments that couldn’t hold your authentic self were simply too limited, not you. Your feelings weren’t too much—the allowance for, and response to them was too little. Your needs weren’t excessive—the care you received was insufficient.
Trauma Recovery: The Path to Integration and Wholeness
Healing this fractured self-perception isn’t about positive affirmations or forcing yourself to “just be confident.” It’s about gently addressing the root causes with compassion and skilled support.
In trauma therapy, we work to:
- Create a space wherein you can feel safe to explore thoughts, feelings and behaviors
- Recognize how some beliefs formed as survival adaptations, not truths about your worth
- Identify the specific attachment wounds that created these contradictory self-perceptions
- Build a felt sense of safety in your body that allows authentic self-expression
- Develop new relational experiences that contradict old trauma patterns
- Integrate the disowned parts of yourself that feel either “too much” or “not enough”
This work happens gradually, in a relationship where all parts of you are welcome—the intense feelings, the quiet needs, the contradictions, all of it.
Frequently Asked Questions About Trauma Therapy
How do I know if my feelings of being “too much” or “not enough” are related to trauma?
If you consistently feel this painful contradiction in relationships and find yourself either people-pleasing or withdrawing to manage it, there may be a connection to early attachment experiences. In therapy, we can explore these patterns compassionately to understand their origins and how they’re affecting you now.
Can EMDR therapy really help with longstanding self-worth issues?
Yes, EMDR is particularly effective for addressing the bodily-held beliefs that maintain feelings of being “too much” or “not enough.” By processing early experiences where these beliefs formed, EMDR helps your nervous system update its understanding of safety and worth, creating lasting change at a deeper level than talk therapy alone. It includes replacing negative self beliefs with positive ones.
How long does trauma therapy take to see results?
While everyone’s healing journey is unique, many clients report feeling some relief early on, and a greater sense of internal safety within the first few months of consistent therapy. More profound shifts in self-perception typically emerge over 6-12 months of work, with continued integration and growth beyond that timeframe.
Will I need to talk about all my traumatic experiences in detail?
No. Trauma therapy respects your pace and boundaries. While connecting current patterns to past experiences is helpful, healing doesn’t require exhaustive retelling of every traumatic memory. We focus on what’s most relevant to your present challenges, always prioritizing your safety and stability.
Is trauma therapy only for people with “Big T” trauma?
Not at all. Many people benefit from trauma-informed therapy even if they don’t identify with having experienced major shock traumat events. The cumulative impact of “small t” traumas—chronic invalidation, emotional neglect, or inconsistent attachment—can profoundly affect your self-perception and relationships, and responds well to trauma-informed approaches.
Begin Your Healing Journey Today
If you recognize yourself in these words, know that this painful contradiction doesn’t have to be your permanent reality. The same brain that adapted to protect you can adapt again toward wholeness.
Healing is possible. Not because you need to be fixed—you were never broken—but because you deserve to experience the freedom of being authentically yourself without the weight of these old wounds.
You don’t have to figure this all out alone. If you’re ready to feel more like yourself—to embrace both your strengths and vulnerabilities—I’m here to walk alongside you with the care, presence, and skilled support you deserved all along.
Whatever you’re feeling right now as you read these words—whether it’s hope, skepticism, or somewhere in between—all of it is welcome here. Take the time you need. When you’re ready to begin this journey of reclaiming your inherent worth, I’ll be here.
