Self-Sabotage Therapy in Orange County, CA

“Why do I keep getting in my own way?”

Self-sabotage can feel maddening. On one level, you’re motivated and want growth. On another level, something inside you pulls the plug — and you’re left wondering what’s wrong with you.

Self-sabotage might show up as:

Putting off important tasks until the last minute, then hating the result
Ending or undermining relationships when they start to feel close or serious
Overspending, overdrinking, or overusing social media when you feel stressed
Starting projects with enthusiasm and rarely following through
Picking unnecessary fights or withdrawing when you feel vulnerable
Passing on opportunities because you feel “not ready” or “not good enough”

If this is your experience, you’re not broken. Self-sabotage is not a character flaw — it’s a pattern with understandable roots. And it can change.

What Is Self-Sabotaging Behavior?

Self-sabotage is any behavior, choice, or pattern that gets in the way of what you say you want. It can be:

Active: Doing things that directly undermine your goals (picking a fight before an important event, using substances before a big day, blowing deadlines).
Passive: Not doing what you know would help you (avoiding hard conversations, never applying, not showing up, staying vague about your hopes).

Sometimes it’s deliberate (“I know this is bad for me and I’m doing it anyway”). Other times it’s automatic and outside of awareness — you look back and realize, “I did it again, and I’m not even sure why.”

A striking thing about self-sabotage is that it often shows up right when you’re about to reach a new level — a healthier relationship, more success, more visibility, or more emotional honesty. That timing is a clue: something in you feels unsafe with change, closeness, or expansion.

Common Signs You May Be Sabotaging Yourself

It’s normal to occasionally drop the ball. Self-sabotage becomes a problem when the pattern is chronic and costly. Some signs:

Procrastination: You delay important tasks until you’re backed into a corner.
“Searching for inspiration” instead of acting: Consuming endless motivational content but not taking concrete steps.
Negative self-talk: “I’m a mess,” “I always screw this up,” “There’s no point in trying.”
Entrapping yourself: Overcommitting or saying yes to so many things that your true goals become impossible.
Perfectionism: Setting unrealistically high standards so you can never be satisfied, then giving up.
Overplanning: Spending all your energy preparing, researching, organizing — but not actually doing the thing.
Lack of consistency: Strong bursts of effort that fizzle out quickly, leaving you discouraged.

On the surface these look like “bad habits.” Underneath, they’re often attempts to manage deeper fears and beliefs.

You don’t have to figure this out alone. Let’s take the first step together. Call so we can schedule a consultation.

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

The reasons vary from person to person, but common threads include:

1. Fear of the Unfamiliar & Need for Control

The brain tends to prefer what’s familiar over what’s healthy. Even painful patterns can feel safer than something new.

“At least I know how this goes.”
“If I don’t try, I can’t fail in a new way.”

Self-sabotage can be a way of staying in a known zone, even if that zone is small and unsatisfying.

2. Fear of Intimacy, Rejection, or Failure

If you’ve been criticized, rejected, or hurt — especially earlier in life — getting close to others or taking risks can feel genuinely dangerous. Your mind might think:

“If I pull away first, you can’t reject me.”
“If I don’t give it my all, I have an excuse if it doesn’t work.”

Self-sabotage becomes a way to pre-empt pain: better to lose on your own terms than be blindsided.

3. Deep-Down Beliefs About Worth

Many people who sabotage themselves carry core beliefs like:

“I’m not worthy of good things.”
“If I succeed, people will see the ‘real me’ and leave.”
“I don’t deserve love, peace, or success.”

When these beliefs are operating in the background, new opportunities can actually feel threatening. Self-sabotage then “proves” the belief right, reinforcing the loop.

4. Difficulty Trusting Others

If you learned early that people can be unsafe, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable, your system may react to vulnerability with alarm. You might:

Keep people at arm’s length
Reject support when it’s offered
Undermine promising connections before they deepen

In this way, self-sabotage can be a misguided attempt to protect yourself from being hurt again.

5. Irrational or Rigid Thinking

Sometimes, people self-sabotage simply because they’re operating with a faulty inner “manual” for how life works:

“If I can’t do it perfectly, it’s not worth doing.”
“If I need help, I’m weak.”
“If I feel anxious, it means I’m on the wrong path.”

These kinds of assumptions quietly drive choices that keep you stuck and frustrated.

Self-Sabotage and Mental Health

Self-sabotaging patterns are closely linked with:

Depression: Low energy, hopelessness, and a sense of pointlessness can make action feel impossible — and repeated “failures” then deepen the depression.
Anxiety: When you’re anticipating worst-case scenarios, avoiding or derailing things can feel like relief in the short term.
Trauma: Past experiences of betrayal, abuse, or chaos can wire your nervous system to anticipate danger, even in safe situations.
Addiction and compulsive behaviors: Substances, food, sex, or screens can become ways to numb uncomfortable emotions, at the cost of your goals and relationships.

Self-sabotage is often a clue that something deeper needs attention — not a sign that you’re lazy or hopeless.

How Do I Stop Sabotaging Myself?

You don’t have to figure this out alone. But there are some essential ingredients in changing self-sabotaging patterns:

1. Awareness of Your Patterns

You can’t change what you can’t see. A big part of this work is slowing down and noticing:

What tends to trigger your self-sabotage (stress, success, intimacy, visibility, boredom)?
What thoughts show up right before you derail yourself?
What emotions are you trying to avoid or numb?

Journaling, therapy, or even simple notes in your phone can help you map these patterns over time.

2. Practicing Self-Compassion

Many people try to stop self-sabotage by shaming or scolding themselves. Ironically, shame is often part of what fuels the pattern.

A more effective approach is learning to treat yourself with curiosity and kindness, even when you’re frustrated:

“I see that I did that again. What was I feeling?”
“No wonder I reacted that way, given what I’ve been through.”

This kind of inner stance doesn’t excuse harmful behavior; it creates the safety needed to actually change it.

3. Working Directly With Your Thoughts and Beliefs

Because self-sabotage is tied to negative core beliefs and automatic thoughts, we need tools that help you:

Identify the specific beliefs that drive your behavior
Test whether those beliefs are actually true or helpful
Practice more balanced, reality-based ways of seeing yourself and others

This is where Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and related approaches can be especially powerful.

4. Building New Habits and Strategies

Insight alone isn’t enough. We also need to experiment with concrete, doable steps:

Breaking big goals into small, manageable actions
Setting up accountability structures that support (not shame) you
Creating routines that make the “healthy choice” easier
Learning to ride out discomfort instead of escaping it immediately

Therapy can help you design strategies tailored to your real life, not just generic advice.

How Therapy Helps With Self-Sabotage

In therapy for self-sabotage, we’re doing more than “fixing bad habits.” We’re exploring:

Where these patterns started
What they’ve been protecting you from
Which parts of you are tired of living this way and ready for something different

Depending on your needs, our work together may include:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): To notice automatic thoughts, challenge distorted beliefs, and practice more balanced ways of thinking about yourself, your relationships, and your future.
Self-compassion and mindfulness: To help you stay present with difficult feelings without immediately reacting, numbing, or sabotaging yourself.
Trauma-informed therapy and EMDR: When self-sabotage is rooted in trauma, EMDR and other trauma-focused approaches can help your nervous system integrate past experiences instead of replaying them through self-destructive choices.
Values and behavior work: Clarifying what truly matters to you — and taking small, consistent steps that line up with those values, even when fear or old beliefs get loud.

Over time, the goal is not to become “perfectly disciplined.” It’s to develop a more honest, compassionate relationship with yourself so you don’t have to keep tripping your own progress.

Working With Me on Self-Sabotage

I’m a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor providing therapy in Orange County and online throughout California. I’ve worked with many people who describe themselves as:

“My own worst enemy”
“The person who ruins things right when they’re going well”
“Someone with so much potential who can’t seem to get out of their own way”

My approach is gentle, curious, and empowering. I’m not here to lecture or shame you — you’ve had enough of that from your own inner critic. Instead, we’ll work together to:

Make the unconscious patterns more conscious and understandable
Identify the beliefs and fears driving your self-sabotage
Honor the protective role these patterns once played
Develop new ways of responding that support your growth rather than block it

As we do this work, many clients report feeling more grounded, more consistent, and less afraid of closeness, success, and change. The old patterns may still whisper — but they no longer run the show.